


Heart Notes

by SongbirdAli



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Hippie Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Musician Dean Winchester, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Unrequited Castiel/Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-07-29 12:38:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20082343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SongbirdAli/pseuds/SongbirdAli
Summary: Returning home to lick his proverbial wounds, Dean is faced with cleaning up a decade old mess. Is forgiveness in the cards or will he be singin' the blues?





	1. -1-

**Author's Note:**

> Please forgive me, I know not what I do.  
Please forgive me, I can’t stop loving you.  
Don’t deny me, it’s pain I’m going through.  
Please forgive me, I can’t stop loving you.
> 
> ~ Bryan Adams

Dean Winchester had been holed up in his brother Sam’s home for two weeks licking his proverbial wounds. His most recent album tanked and though he knew that it would, he just couldn’t shake the embarrassment of failing so publicly. Coming home to Kansas had been the right move, he craved the comfort of family and the familiarity of his old stompin’ ground to get the creative juices flowing. He needed to get back to his roots. What he really needed was Cas.

“Dean?” Sam’s voice carried through the screen door before Sam shouldered through it with a couple beers. He handed one to his older brother and spun an old wooden chair around to straddle it and fold long arms to the back. The fluidity of the movement was second nature to Sam and soothing to his brother.

They sat quietly together as Dean picked out a tune on his guitar, pieces of lyrics running around in his head. If only they would gel together, he’d get somewhere. With a deep sigh, he carefully leaned the old acoustic against the worn slats of the porch rail and took a long draw of his beer.

“Did you call him yet?” Sam didn’t even look over at Dean when he spoke. He knew the answer already.

“Nah, I’m gonna email Cas tonight. I don’t want to put him on the spot with a phone call.” Dean’s eyes were trained squarely on the horizon line. He could feel Sam’s gaze move to his profile and knew exactly what face he was making but he didn’t want to see it. This was hard enough as it was.

“Dean, you need to tell him.”

“Tell him what, Sammy? Why I had to leave?” His hackles were up just thinking about it. It was a shitty thing to do to leave town and not tell his best friend where he was going but he needed to distance himself from Cas, things had grown complicated. Uncomfortably complicated.

“Yes, _ Dean _. He was basically family and you just left and I didn’t know what to tell him. Hell, it was years before I even knew what was going on. You owe him an explanation, and you should get to that before he realizes you’re in town.” Sam drained what was left of his beer and waited for Dean to process his words.

“I can’t tell him I’m in love with him, Sam. He’s married to _ Anael _. How can we even work together if he knows? No way he’ll be comfortable helping me with this project with that hanging over us. He has to know by now that I’m into dudes - it’s been all over the damn internet and every trash mag imaginable so who knows if he’ll even talk to me.” He ran a frustrated hand through his hair before standing to stretch. The tension was so tight in his body he just had to move.

Sam watched him intently, still shocked at the change in him. At 35, Dean wasn’t the skinny kid that took off to Nashville in his early 20’s. Tour food had put weight on him but so had those workouts his manager insisted on. Gabriel was an ass but he was good at what he did. Dean had finally broken into the music scene after five years living on ramen and mac n cheese, doing late night gigs at every bar he could. Now he was three albums into his career and they’d made a wrong turn. Sam was glad to have him home but he worried about him. 

“Just apologize Dean. Start with that and see what happens but are you ever going to move on if you _ don’t _tell him?” Dean shoved his hands into his back pockets as Sam spoke, clearly not ready to talk about this.

“Alright Sammy. Just give me some time, ok?” Dean’s green eyes were misty when he faced his brother, more proof of how deep his pain ran. “I’ve been holding on to this for ten years. I may not be ready to let go of the tiny shred of hope I’ve got left.”

“Just reach out to him soon. It would be a million times worse for you to run into him somewhere before he knows you’re home. Give him that, at least.” Dean nodded his agreement as Sam stood to head back into the house. He paused at the door and looked at Dean, who was back to staring off into nothing. “I’m glad you’re home Dean. You can stay as long as you like, you know that. I just want you to have some happiness in your life.”

Dean swallowed the emotions that were threatening to overflow as he planted his forearms onto the porch railing and wrung his calloused fingers. The screen door slammed shut before he’d composed himself enough to respond so he sat back down on the stool he’d been on for hours. Instead of picking up the guitar, he picked up his phone and started an email.

> _ Cas, _
> 
> _ I know you’re probably pretty angry at me, or maybe you don’t even care anymore, but I’ve moved back home for a while - maybe permanently - and I’d like to see you. I want to apologize in person. Can we grab dinner somewhere? _
> 
> _ Let me know. _
> 
> _ Dean _

Dean hit send and then tossed his phone into the bench swing at the end of the porch like it was on fire. He had ripped the band aid off, now the question was did he _ want _a response? The thought of seeing Cas again both thrilled and terrified him. He had no problem telling Cas he was bisexual if he somehow didn’t know, but he didn’t think he could ever tell him how he felt. No matter how many one night stands he’d had, getting into a relationship had just been out of the question. Cas was the only one he wanted. It had always been Cas.

* * *

Castiel lay on the couch in his living room, hands tucked behind the back of his head, headphones swallowing his ears as his feet tapped the seat cushion to the sound of Donna Hanscum’s soon to be album. They’d been working on the recordings for weeks but it had finally hit the sweet spot. It might have been his best work...right behind Dean Winchester’s first album. 

Rolling off the couch in agitation at the thought of the elder Winchester, he desperately tried to push him from his mind. It was the same every time he thought of Dean. Push the thought away, focus even harder on something else, in this case, Donna. 

Anael walked into the room, car keys still in hand, and watched Castiel playing imaginary drums as he tapped his bare feet. She’d told him to throw those ratty jeans away months ago but he refused to let them go. The Green Day t-shirt she’d threatened to pitch was on yet again but lucky for him she’d decided to give up on changing his raggedy, lived-in look. At the end of the year they’d be on the move again to yet another town where no one knew them. It was just about time to start over. People were already making comments about how they never aged and and asking for skin care secrets. They had to leave town before people got suspicious.

“CASTIEL!” She shouted, knowing he probably wouldn't hear her over the music blaring in his ears, and he didn’t. She grabbed a throw pillow off the couch and lobbed it at him hitting him square in the back, knocking him forward a couple steps.

“A simple hello would suffice!” He yelled over the music in his ears, scowling at her. His blue eyes flashed as she grinned in triumph.

“Would it though? Not when you’re in the zone, Castiel, you know that. Come help put groceries away. I’m not your actual wife but I’m more than happy to nag like one.” She turned on her heel and headed for the kitchen as Cas pulled headphones off and followed her.

“Find everything you needed?” He asked as he snatched a handful of grapes sticking out of a canvas bag. Eating wasn't a requirement but if they were going to be here they might as well enjoy some simple pleasures.

“Yeah, and one giant Sam Winchester too. I tried to ask how Dean was doing but he wouldn’t answer, made some excuse and took off like a shot. Something’s up.” Cas stopped chewing at the mention of Dean’s name.

“He’s back Anael, I can feel him.” Cas didn’t meet her eyes as he spoke. Anael knew how he felt about Dean but was careful shut him down every time it came up.

“Cas…” She shook her head and took up the stance that told him a lecture was coming. She may have never been a mother but she certainly had the mannerisms down.

“I can’t help what my spirit feels, Anael. I can sense him whether I want to or not.” 

“Cas, you cannot consort with the humans like that, you know this. We may be stuck on earth but we’re not one of them. There’s a clear line and we **don’t ** cross it.” The look on her face brooked no argument but in his head, he had argued both sides a million times. The offspring of an angel and a human was the _ actual _problem. He and Dean couldn’t create offspring so that fixes that problem, right? But there was also the problem of their ageless bodies. How would he explain that he didn’t age? The only way to do that was to come clean about being an angel and that was out of the question, and this is where he landed every time. There was absolutely no way he could let anything happen with Dean. Period.

“Cas, you in there?” Anael’s stern look wasn’t lost on him. She might not speak it but she was warning him to remember his place. 

“Yeah, yeah, I hear you. I’ll keep my distance.” The wash of sadness coursing over his body was too much. He said nothing but she didn’t expect him to. They’d come to know each other so well that she knew exactly where he was going when he left. The studio was the only place he could think.

* * *

As Castiel pedaled his worn out bike across town, he let his mind wander over how he got into this mess in the first place. It had been 150 years since the angels had been expelled from heaven and forced to live amongst the humans. There had been no explanation, nothing but the knowledge that there was no going back and God was no longer interested in mankind. It was like a switch flipped and they were all out on their own. 

Most angels paired up like he and Anael had as a means of protection and companionship. Luckily their wings were invisible to the human eye unless the owner wanted them to be seen so it was fairly easy to blend in. Over the years Cas and Anael had several different careers but for the last 30 years, Cas had worked with musicians in almost every genre learning everything he could so that he could do exactly what he did now, produce music. He’d been pretty content with his existence, that was until Dean Winchester stepped into his life and gave him a reason to want something else. 

Cas pushed his bike through the front door of his studio on the west end of town and parked it in the office before taking a seat in what he affectionately called “The Cave”. The room where he mixed tracks was dark and cool, the best environment for him creatively but Dean named it “The Cave” the day they met, joking that it was anything but inviting. A worn leather couch occupied one wall. Several wooden chairs and stools lined another along with a small table that usually held various snacks, but the hub of the whole operation was the mixing console. That’s where the magic happened but it’s also where everything he thought he knew changed. The day he first heard Dean Winchester sing in the voice booth, that was the day he first questioned whether or not he could continue living this life the way he always had, the first day he had been discontent with the status quo. The day he realized he wasn’t immune to what humans called “love”.

* * *

**14 Years Earlier**

The bell on the studio door clanged obnoxiously as a thin, bowlegged, man with freckles and outrageous green eyes barrelled through it, crashing to the floor. Castiel looked up from his computer screen, a look of shock on his face, as the man stood up, brushed himself off and smirked in Castiel’s direction.

“That...uh...door gave way a lot easier than I expected. I’m Dean. Winchester.” He’d stuck out his hand to shake hands and Cas had nearly knocked his chair over in an effort to grab it. 

“Castiel Novak, but you can call me Cas.” The two of them stood there awkwardly taking each other in for a moment before Cas cleared his throat. “Well, why don’t I show you the studio.” Cas ushered Dean around explaining what all the equipment was and how it worked to make the best recording. 

Dean couldn’t help but spend most of his time watching Cas. The gummy grin he caught when Cas told a joke that didn’t quite land right. The impossible blue of those eyes that was like nothing he’d ever seen before. The messy mop of dark hair on his head that only got messier when he nervously ran his fingers through it. He was gorgeous and Dean was dangerously close to drowning.

“So, wanna give it a try?” Cas’ eyebrows lifted in expectation as he waited for Dean to head into the vocal booth. Shocked out of his daydreaming, Dean startled a bit before turning to head through the door into the heavily insulated room. It was small but acoustically sound. He perched himself on the stool in front of a wind-screened mic and looked through the large window at Cas who was holding a finger up, telling him to wait, as he fiddled with buttons and dials. 

The anxiety in his gut was going to make this harder than normal. Dean could sing and play in front of huge groups of people, and had several times, but for some reason this man watching him had him completely panicked. Cas’ voice came over the loudspeaker into the room, sounding like God himself with a gritty rasp.

“Ready when you are, just give me a nod so I can hit record.” 

Dean picked a few cords on his guitar to get his fingers moving before nodding to Cas. What came out of his mouth had Castiel’s scalp tingling with frisson and maybe something else. Dean’s long fingers plucked at the strings with a gentle purpose as his eyes closed in concentration. The music just emanated from his soul and Castiel was completely captivated. Where did this man come from and how could he stay in this moment forever?

* * *

**Today**

All these years later and Castiel still couldn’t shake loose of Dean Winchester and now he was back. He had to be. He’d been close enough to feel for at least a week and though Cas could guess where he was, a very human emotion kept him away. Pain. 

His phone vibrating on the table startled him back to his senses. He tapped the email notification and as soon as he saw the email address fear curled in his gut. Cas had thought several times that Dean would reach out but that day never came until today. Now he wanted to have dinner and apologize and he wasn’t sure he was ready. The thought of seeing him again made him shake with trepidation and frankly, anger. Dean had gutted him when he left ten years ago. No explanation, just gone and leaving a disaster in his wake. It had been so many years and Cas still hadn’t let it go.

Leaning back in his office chair, rubbing over his eyes with the backs of his hands, he took a chance and thumbed over the reply arrow on the glowing phone screen. He knew he needed to do this, he just hoped it didn't destroy him. 

> _ Hey Dean, _
> 
> _ Nice of you to show back up. We can do dinner at the studio, I’ll order a pizza. Bring your guitar. Tomorrow at 6? _
> 
> _ Cas _

Cas stared at the screen for a moment before letting the email fly. Maybe he’d get some closure. He just needed to keep his distance. Toward the end, he could tell their friendship was taking a turn and after that night Anael showed up at the Studio unannounced, Dean was nowhere to be found.

* * *

**10 years ago**

“Sing it one more time Dean, this time with some edge. There needs to be some pain in your voice for it to be believable.” Cas was laid out on the couch in The Cave while Dean perched on a stool in the half light of the room. If Cas had been looking at him, he would have seen plenty of pain in the peridot glow of Dean’s eyes. The sharp pain of loving someone he knew he couldn’t have. Dean drew a shaky breath and started again, the feeling in his voice releasing a tension into the room that Cas hadn’t expected.

“I don't wanna waste the weekend,

If you don't love me, pretend

A few more hours, then it's time to go.

And as my train rolls down the East coast,

I wonder how you’ll keep warm.

It's too late to cry, too broken to move on…”

Cas sat up and stared at Dean with his head tipped to the side- eyes closed, completely buried in the music he made and the pain that years of loving his best friend had scorched into his bones.

“Still I can't let you be

Most nights I hardly sleep

Don't take

What you don't need from me"

Heart breaking, Cas thought for just a moment about the feel of those soft lips. To say his desires were wholly sexual would be fallacy, he wanted to wrap his arms around this man and never let go. 

"It's just a drop in the ocean

A change in the weather

I was praying

That you and me

Might end up together

It's like wishing for rain

As I stand in the desert

But I'm holding you

Closer than most

'Cause you are my heaven”

It was like a prayer, an earnest begging for what Cas couldn’t give and his almost human heart broke in his chest. Just as he was about to reach out and touch Dean’s denim clad knee, Anael had stepped into the room. The look on her face was unmistakable and Cas looked a bit like a child that had been caught doing something he knew he shouldn’t. Sensing the change in the room, Dean stopped playing abruptly and stood as if slapped. He’d lain his heart out and was reminded of how impossible the situation was in an all too painful way as he took in the irritated face of Cas’ “wife”.

Castiel called out to him as Dean rushed past Anael and headed for the door but he never looked back. The next day, Cas sent text after text trying to urge him to respond and eventually called but Dean never answered. When he finally reached out to Sam, what he told him set the tone for the next ten years of his life.

“I don’t know what to tell you Cas, he’s gone. He left a note that said he was leaving and that he’d send word when he’d settled so that we knew he was safe. You know how stubborn Dean is, we’ll hear from him when we hear from him, until then I guess we just wait.”

Waiting, for someone who’s life stretches out for an eternity, is easy. It’s the pain of missing someone who owns your heart that’s the problem.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world was on fire and no one could save me but you  
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do  
I'd never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you  
And I'd never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you
> 
> ~ Wicked Game, Chris Isaak

Dean pulled into the driveway just as the stereotypical pizza delivery kid was leaving Cas at the door. A flash of recognition crossed the boy’s face as he caught a glimpse of Dean behind the wheel but thankfully he didn’t have the nerve to ask for an autograph on the way back to his own vehicle.

Castiel shouldered into the door jamb and waited, pizza box held tight to his hip like a flashback from a decade before as Dean climbed out of the same ‘67 Chevy Impala he drove all those years ago. The chrome gleamed in the sun against its ebony paint job. It was like time stopped the day Dean left...until he got out of the car. A skinny young man in an oversized leather jacket had been replaced by ten years of broadened shoulders and push ups. His chest and arms made his worn gray tee sorry for existing and those jeans may as well have been painted on. Cas couldn’t breathe. 

Dean’s heart pounded in his throat though he tried to look calm. Cas hadn’t aged a day since he’d left. The black woodstock t shirt he wore looked like maybe it had actually come from the original Woodstock and those soft, worn jeans hung off his hips like they were trying to escape. Of course he was barefoot, Cas only put shoes on when absolutely necessary.

“Hey Cas…” Dean pinned him with green eyes that said more than he was ready to hear.

“Hello, Dean. Still driving that rust bucket, I see. Must be a struggle.” Cas smirked at his own joke as Dean released a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding.

“Still a hippie, I see. Are you allergic to shoes, or...?” Cas couldn’t help but laugh. The easy banter between them was so natural, as if nothing had changed. Almost.

“Get in here, I’m starving.” Cas moved out of the doorway and Dean followed him in letting the memories wash over him. If he got close enough behind him he could still smell Cas’ sandalwood soap. Nostalgia rolled back over his senses, nostalgia and a modicum of regret.

Cas stepped down into The Cave and plopped the pizza down on the small table by the couch before sitting cross legged on its soft leather cushion, a look of expectation on his face as he waited for Dean to take a seat.

Dean stood in the doorway for a moment taking everything in. The emotions that rose in his chest were quickly shoved back down where they belonged as he took a seat on the opposite end of the couch. The fact that he didn’t quite know where to start was evident in the uncomfortable silence that filled the room.

“Cas, I…I owe you an apology.” Dean scratched at the back of his head nervously as he searched for the words to say everything but what he needed to.

“You don’t owe me an apology Dean, so much as an explanation.” Cas didn’t even look at him when he spoke, he just pulled a slice of pizza from the box and nearly swallowed it whole. 

“I just wish I had a good one.” Dean reached for his own slice of pizza before settling back into the arm of the couch to find the words. “I already knew I had to go. If I was going to make it, I was going to have to move to Nashville and hit the bars there. I just didn’t know how to do it or what to say when I did. There was a lot going on in my head in those days. I was struggling with more than you knew.” Dean winced at the memory as Cas cut in.

“Dean, you left so abruptly. I couldn’t help but feel like I’d done something wrong but I couldn’t find you to fix it. I absolutely get wanting to move to Nashville, and I’ll even concede that it would be difficult to find a way to tell me but something happened to make you go right then.” Cas’ blue eyes were heavy with years long hurt. He deserved the truth, Dean just needed to come out with it.

“Look, Cas, my sexuality was changing and I just…” He nervously readjusted himself in his seat and ran a hand through his hair before blurting it out. “I’d developed a bit of a crush, ok? So when Anael came in here with that look on her face I freaked out. I’m good now, though, it doesn’t need to be an issue.” Dean focused on grabbing another piece of pizza out of the box to keep from meeting the intense look Cas was giving him. 

“Dean, are you saying you left because you…”

“Yes. Now, can we focus on something else because I’m really embarrassed over here. Do you forgive me or what?” Dean couldn’t look at him. The silence stretched on for what felt like hours as he waited, heart pounding in his chest, for an answer.

“Of course I forgive you and I’m sorry that Anael was rude, she can be a bit...gruff sometimes.” Cas’ brow creased with concern. Dean smiled to himself before meeting Cas’ gaze. Gruff was probably an understatement.

“I guess some people are into that.” The wink Dean shot Cas set his earthly body a flame. He thought he’d prepared himself to hear exactly this but he didn’t expect the way it hurt. He knew he couldn’t have him, Anael made her objections very clear, but the idea that Dean had moved on in the ten years he’d been gone was crushing and he was ashamed of how upset he was. Castiel cleared his throat and changed the subject for both of their sakes. 

“So what are you working on now? I know the last album didn’t perform like you…” Cas winced.

“It sucked, Cas. There’s no other way to put it. It sucked. It wasn’t my style and no matter what I said the label insisted and Gabriel just wouldn't back me up. I came home for lots of reasons but mainly to start over. I’ve got to get back to my original sound. Help me Cas, I always sounded my best with you.” The desperate look on his face wasn’t going to let Cas say no, not that he wanted to. Being back in the studio with Dean would be the closest thing to heaven since he’d left it.

“Alright Dean, whatever you need.” Cas nodded as Dean let out a sigh of relief. "But Anael accepted a new job so we'll be moving in a couple months. We'll have to get this done fairly quickly."

"That's great, right? Where?" The smile on his face didn't fool himself or Cas. 

"Vancouver, actually. It's a great opportunity, she really can't pass it up." The realization and then sadness in Dean's eyes made Cas turn away lest he give away more than he should

"That's…incredible. Really. We'll just have to figure out a way to make two months long enough." 

Their eyes met again and held a bit longer than either felt they should. Dean knew in that moment nothing had changed. He still loved Cas every bit as much as he did the day he left and losing him again scared him more than anything. 

* * *

After a couple weeks in the studio they’d settled into a comfortable rhythm of give and take. Cas practically lived in The Cave as he mixed and remixed, testing out ideas and making sure Dean was happy with the results. Dean had decided on an acoustic cover album months ago when he made the move home. It was a throwback to his barhopping years and cover albums were growing in popularity so hopefully this would make up for the pop album debacle of the last year.

“Hey Dean, let’s try Wicked Game again. From the top.” Cas’ voice flooded the sound booth over the loudspeaker and shivered over Dean’s spine. He was trying to keep his mind on the work but those blue eyes staring at him made it damn difficult. He nodded back at Cas and tipped his head left to right to stretch his tired neck a bit.

Cas watched as Dean wet his lips, those lips that haunted him while he lay in bed trying to sleep. He’d struggled with sleep since he’d been expelled from heaven but now it was near impossible. Being with Dean the last couple weeks was wearing on his resolve. They hadn’t spent this much time together when they worked on his first album years ago and really didn’t need to now, but they kept finding excuses to be together.

_ “The world was on fire and no one could save me but you _

_ It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do _

_ I’d never dreamed that I’d love somebody like you _

_ And I’d never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you” _

There was something heavy in the way he sang it this time. Something palpable. Dean’s green eyes locked on the blue that tormented him and his soul came apart with emotion in the falsetto of the chorus. 

_ “No I don’t want to fall in love… _

_ No I don’t want to fall in love… _

_ WIth you.” _

His voice cracked on the final note as he choked back years of ache. Dean stood so abruptly that the stool he’d been sitting on rocked back and dropped to the floor. Cas watched, frozen, as Dean fought to compose himself before dropping his guitar onto the stand in frustration.

“DAMNIT!”, he cried as he began to pace.

Cas jumped up and pushed through the door into the sound booth, worry etching his features as Dean paced back and forth.

"You alright? What just happened?!" Cas watched Dean move, obviously trying to shake something off. If he was honest with himself, he knew exactly what. He’d felt the reality in the lyrics too.

"I just needed a minute, I'm sorry. I…" Dean stopped when he spoke, weighing his next move but Cas cut in to the silence stretching uncomfortably between them.

"We can stop for the day Dean, it's been hours and I've been pushing you pretty hard. Let me grab you a drink." Cas all but ran to the office, heart pounding in his chest. When he turned around to close the fridge Dean was right behind him, two feet quickly became two inches as they closed in on each other. Cas’ eyes flicked between the intensity in Dean’s and the lips that waited as if begging to be kissed. His fingers reached out brushing softly against Dean’s in question. 

A flash of awareness crossed his freckled face as Dean stepped away. “I’m gonna go. I think I need to clear my head." He rubbed at the back of his neck the same way he always had when he was anxious.

Heart still pounding and wanting to fade out of existence, Cas breathed a sigh. "Sure Dean, I'll be here." He swallowed down the fear that rose every time Dean walked out that door and tried not to wish he’d come back but there was no way to miss the way the engine roared when Dean started it up or the sound of him peeling out of the parking lot. 

The thick silence left behind in the studio was more than Cas could bear. He grabbed his bike out of the office and jumped on it, trying to pedal out the frustration on the four miles back to the house he shared with Anael. His jaw clenched and unclenched in anger as he rode right past the house toward the south side of town. If he was stuck on this earth for all eternity why couldn’t he be with the one person who made him feel ...complete? He was tired of hiding and reinventing himself over and over again. This whole situation God had left them all in was enough to drive him mad.

Exhausted he pulled over at the riverside park he often came to when he needed to have a conversation with the Almighty, even if he wasn’t listening. His wings twitched and ached to be released so he pulled his shirt off over his head and his eyes glowed as they snapped open with enough force to set tree branches to swaying, their inky black feathers invisible to any human eye but their existence a comfort to an angel who wasn’t so sure he could take much more. Castiel dropped to his knees and wept out all of the pent up frustration, railing at a God who refused to see his pain until he was spent.

* * *

Dean pulled into the driveway, a crazed mix of pain and anger, practically erupting from the car before slamming the door soundly behind him. Not yet satisfied, he opened the door again and slammed it again. Again. And Again, as he fought back the tears that he refused to let fall. 

“NO! Not this time, damnit, I will not let it break me this time!” With one fluid motion he snatched up a handful of gravel and threw it with everything he had toward the empty road before dropping to his hands and knees, the words breaking on a sob. “Damn you, Cas...why can’t I let this go?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bookmark so you don't miss the next chapter! It's scheduled for next Friday, Aug 16, so check out some of my other stories in the meantime. ;)  
Please let me know what you think in the comments, it definitely is appreciated.
> 
> Thank you!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Cas tests the waters and may get burned...

Anael was waiting in the kitchen when Castiel opened the door with a force that wasn’t needed. She sat at the table, tea cup between her long fingers, her warm red hair piled on top of her head - a picture of calm though anything but. She looked at him from under her lashes as she took a long draw of chamomile. 

“Hello, Castiel. It’s not like you to be so late.” She knew where he’d been, she always did.

“Dean and I were working late, you didn’t need to wait for me.” Castiel busied himself washing his hands and getting some water. Anything to avoid looking at her.

“You’ve been working late with Dean a lot in the last few days. Do you think that’s wise?” It wasn’t so much a question as a warning and he knew it. Irritation flashed in his eyes as he spun to face her.

“Anael, I know what you’re getting at and I can take care of myself. Back off.” He growled it, low and thick with warning. Anael didn’t flinch, she just shook her head and continued sipping her tea staring through the doorway into nothing. 

Snatching a bottle of water out of the fridge, he made his way upstairs to the bathroom to shower. They may be angelic beings but their bodies were most definitely human. The miles he’d biked had left him filthy and exhausted. Stripping out of his shirt, he turned to start the water and let it warm up. When he pushed his jeans and boxers to the floor, he caught sight of himself in the mirror. Eyelids swollen and red as were his eyes, it was like a flashback to the first time Dean left.

* * *

**10 years earlier**

“Castiel you have to let this go. He’s gone and it’s probably for the better, you were getting too attached and you know we can’t…”

“Attach ourselves to the humans, I know Anael. Must you remind me day in and day out that I’m going to be without him for the rest of eternity??” Cas slammed his closed fist onto the table in frustration. Anael blinked but didn’t move, she’d become accustomed to his mood swings in the last few months since Dean had been gone. 

“I just don’t understand why you insist on pining after this human, that’s all. I’ll try not to say anything else about it but the state of your physical form is concerning. The others will think you’re ill.” She stood abruptly and moved around the room straightening and cleaning things that were already straight and clean. Cas didn’t have the energy to do much of anything. He’d cancelled numerous appointments in the last several weeks and always crawled back into bed once Anael left. If she knew, she never let on. 

“I’m leaving now, please try to get out today. I know He’s still up there Castiel, even if you don’t believe it. Talk to him.” She laid a reassuring hand on his shoulder before slipping out the back door.

Cas sat as if frozen, thinking about what she’d said. God wasn’t “up there” and even if he was, he’d abandoned all of them. ALL of them. God was the last person he wanted to talk to. The buzzing coming from his phone drew his attention away from the incredible ache in his chest.

**Sam Winchester:** Sorry, just checking in. Have you heard from him?

**Cas:** No, I’m guessing you haven’t either?

**Sam Winchester:** No. If I do, you’ll be the first to know.

**Cas:** I miss him, Sam.

**Sam Winchester:** Me too Cas.

* * *

**Present Day**

Castiel lay in his bed after a hot shower, his skin still red from the sting of its heat. Thinking over the way he ached for Dean after he’d left the first time and wondering if he’d do it again was making him crazy. He needed to know Dean wasn’t going to run. Picking up his phone, he punched out a text to Dean and hit send before he could talk himself out of it.

**Cas:** Dean, please tell me you won’t leave. We need to talk this out.

He only had to wait a few seconds for a response.

**** **Dean:** I’m not leaving. I’m not a kid anymore Cas.

Castiel breathed a sigh of relief. Whatever happened, at least Dean wasn’t going to disappear. His phone buzzed again.

**Dean:** There’s so much I want to say but all of it feels wrong.

**Cas:** You always were terrible at expressing your feelings with actual words, Dean.

**Dean:** No need to rub it in.

**Cas:** Just say what you need to say.

**Dean:** Why is this so hard?

**Cas:** Dean…

**Dean**: I don’t want you to go. Happy now?

**Cas**: Yes.

**Dean**: Ass.

Castiel could hear each text as if Dean was lying next to him. He ached to his bones with the need to hold him, despite Anael’s warnings and all the unwritten rules they followed blindly. He needed Dean in a way he’d never needed anyone and he couldn’t stomach anything getting in the way any longer. He’d come too close to walk away now.

* * *

Dean scrubbed the back of his hand over his eyes, cursing himself for crying like a damn baby. 

It had been at least ten minutes since he’d sent his last text to Cas and nothing had come in return. Maybe he’d misread things but he could have sworn Cas felt it too. He set his phone aside and wrapped an empty embrace around a pillow. It didn’t stop the yearning but it eased a little bit of sadness.

His phone lit up.

**Cas:** I don’t want to go either.

Dean groaned so loud he was sure Sammy heard him. “Dammit Cas, you’re killin’ me!”

**Cas:** Meet me at the studio.

He stared at the screen, brow creased in confusion.

**Dean:** NOW??

**Cas:** Yes. Right now.

**Dean**: On my way

Running out the front door, Dean headed straight for Baby. He didn’t know what Cas was up to but something told him he wouldn’t need his guitar this time.

* * *

Cas threw on clothes that Anael had laid on his bed to put away, barely paying enough attention to make sure his shirt wasn’t on backward. His head spun with an argument of his own making. What the hell was he doing? What he should have done years ago. What will Anael say? He didn’t care what Anael thought anymore. What exactly was he going to do when he got there?

Pedaling as fast as he could, he chewed on that last question. What _ was _he going to do?

* * *

Dean pulled into the studio parking lot and all was dark. It didn’t seem to fit with the insane pounding going on in his chest. For just a moment he’d wondered if he’d imagined the whole exchange but before he could pull out his phone Cas’ bike came around the corner a block away. His pedaling picking up speed as Dean took off to meet him. When he got close enough, Cas jumped from the bike and jogged to close the gap between himself and a panting Dean who’d stopped just a short distance away.

“Cas, what’s this all...” The words trailed off as Cas’ hand slid behind Dean’s neck, pulling him close enough that Dean could feel the pounding of Cas’ heart on his own chest. The two of them hovered like that, in the middle of a dark street. A dance years in the making. Castiel’s lips brushed against the warmth of Dean’s as a quiet whimper left him. Dean’s arms wrapped around Cas’s thick frame, fingers curling in to grab the soft knit of his shirt.

A gentle swipe of Cas’ tongue along the seam of his lips was a question that didn’t need to be asked before Dean’s own parted to invite him in. Their hands roamed like a picture of desperation. Desperate to get closer. Desperate to hold on. Cas' lips were just as he'd imagined them - rough, but gentle. Every inch of his body was alive and begging for more. More of Cas. The low groan that came from Dean shocked them both into awareness as he backed away, gasping for air.

“Anael… Cas, what about your wife?!” Regret colored his features as he searched Cas’ face but all he saw was the redness of Cas’ jaw from his own scruff rubbing along Cas’ skin. God, what had he done.

Cas shoved his hands into his pockets, and searched for the words to explain the unexplainable as he examined his feet like a child caught in a mess of his own making.

“Dean, Anael isn’t really my wife. We...aren’t together.” Castiel watched as Dean’s face went from white with shock to rage.

“WHAT?!” Brow furrowed in confusion, Dean crossed his arms and paced a few steps back toward the car. Cas knew he needed a damn good explanation for this.

“We live together out of convenience it’s just easier to say we were married. It keeps people away from her and she...likes it that way.” It wasn’t the whole truth but it was most of it. He still hadn’t figured out how he was going to tell him the rest.

“So you’ve lied to me all these years because it was convenient for a woman you aren’t even in a relationship with? Is that what you’re saying? Jesus Cas. Do you know what you’ve put me through?” Dean turned to head back to the car, hands angrily running through his hair as if trying to forget the kiss he’d dreamed of for most of his adult life.

“Dean, stop....DEAN!” Castiel jogged after him, latching onto the arm that was somehow bigger than it had been when he left so many years ago. “I’m sorry. I never should have lied to you. Had I known…” Dean cut him off.

“Had you KNOWN? Cas, how could you not know? I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU. Every goddamn song that I sing has pieces of you in it. I left because I couldn’t live with being in love with someone I couldn’t have and you’re telling me you weren’t with her even then? I suffered for so long…”

“You think I didn’t?!” Castiel barely kept the flash of his grace in check. Dean could have sworn his eyes glowed for a second but didn’t give it much attention. “Your leaving broke me in ways I can’t describe so I hate to break it to you but you weren’t the only one suffering. You ran away without giving me a chance to explain and I suffered every day for _ ten years _wondering if I’d lost you forever.” Cas’ voice broke with the agony of remembering as Dean’s features softened.

“Cas are you saying, even then…”

“I loved you then and God help me, I love you now.” Cas’ hands balled into fists as he struggled to stay put. Anything to keep from pushing Dean further away. 

The anguish of a decade rolled away from his heart as Dean’s green eyes filled with tears. “Please don’t lie to me Cas…”

“I love you, Dean Winchester.” Cas closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck and nosing into the hollow behind his ear as both men apologized over and over before their lips met once again. Angelic kisses soothing Dean in ways he couldn’t comprehend. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't yell at me for the end of that chapter! lol Just let that simmer a bit. I'll be working on the next chapter so I'm shooting for two weeks from today to post on 10/14.

**Author's Note:**

> The song Dean sang at the end of the chapter is called Drop in the Ocean by Ron Pope. If you’d like to hear what it sounds like, please check it out on youtube! Understand though, the intention here is that Dean is recreating the song in a style that fits him so don't worry about how it would sound in Jensen’s voice, the lyrics are the most important thing.


End file.
